Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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