Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
