I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
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