It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
