my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
