Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
