I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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