Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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