No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
