So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
