I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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