my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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