EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
My bed smells like the plague
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
