the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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