So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
