I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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