Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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