I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
