Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
