Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
