hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
