Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
