So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Randomize