Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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