the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
