seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
