Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
You pole danced in your parka.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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