I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
