I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
