I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
please come you make the beer taste better
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
