Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
