This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
