I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
