They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
