This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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