I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
