You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
