You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
