I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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