Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
