someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
