I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
