you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
