He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
