batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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