I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
