yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
