Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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