i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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