So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
