we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
