bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
