I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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