why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
