the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Randomize
