I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
