I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
