On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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