a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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