Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
