A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
