did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
