my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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