Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Randomize
