my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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