Define "chronic" masturbator.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
