Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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