so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
