i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
