his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Randomize
