Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
