i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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