first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
