Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
