walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
