theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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