she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
